Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Universal Declaration of Armchair Rights

in line with the barbaric torch burning of chairs c/o Polytechnic University of the Philippines students, please be enlightened by the document attached herein and remember that armchairs also have their rights. attached is the Declaration of all declarations, unearthed from a very reliable archive by yours truly. transcribed this document earlier, publicized it today, 19th of March. hesitated, but here it is anyway, for your pleasure or pain or whatever purpose it may serve.
Universal Declaration of Armchair Rights


Whereas recognition of the inherent dignity and of the equal and inalienable rights of all members of the wooden armchair family (or relative benches and similar seats) is the foundation of freedom, justice and peace in the world,

Whereas disregard and contempt for armchair rights have resulted in barbarous acts such as torch burning which have outraged the conscience of couches and chairs and their advocates, and the advent of a world in which armchair beings shall enjoy freedom of speech and belief and freedom from fear and want has been proclaimed as the highest aspiration of the common seat,

Whereas it is essential, if the armchair is not to be compelled to have recourse, as a last resort, to rebellion against tyranny and oppression, that armchair rights should be protected by the rule of law,

Whereas it is essential to promote the development of friendly relations between benches,

Whereas all kinds and types under the United Furniture Cartel have in the Charter reaffirmed their faith in fundamental armchair rights, in the dignity and worth of the armchair person and soul and in the equal rights of chairs and stools and have determined to promote social progress and better standards of life in larger freedom,

Whereas Member States have pledged themselves to achieve, in co-operation with the United Furniture Cartel, the promotion of universal respect for and observance of armchair rights and fundamental freedoms,

Whereas a common understanding of these rights and freedoms is of the greatest importance for the full realization of this pledge,

Now, Therefore THE GENERAL ASSEMBLY proclaims THIS UNIVERSAL DECLARATION OF ARMCHAIR RIGHTS as a common standard of achievement for all chairs and all seats, to the end that every individual and every organ of society, keeping this Declaration constantly in mind, shall strive by teaching and education to promote respect for these rights and freedoms and by progressive measures, national and international, to secure their universal and effective recognition and observance, both among the seats of Member States themselves and among the stools of territories under their jurisdiction.

**you may propose amendments or revisions, because we are democratic and all**

Article 1. All armchair beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood.

Article 2. Every armchair is entitled to all the rights and freedoms set forth in this Declaration, without distinction of any kind, such as material, race, colour, sex, language, religion, political or other opinion, national or social origin, property, manufacture or other status. Furthermore, no distinction shall be made on the basis of the political, jurisdictional or international status of the country or territory to which an armchair belongs, whether it be independent, trust, non-self-governing or under any other limitation of sovereignty.

Article 3. Every armchair has the right to life, liberty and security of wood (or whatever material the concerned armchair is made of, though wooden armchairs are the ones this Declaration primarily aims to protect).

Article 4. No armchair (especially couches and rocking chairs) shall be held in slavery or servitude; slavery and the slave trade shall be prohibited in all their forms.

Article 5. No armchair shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, degrading treatment or punishment, especially chair-burning during protests against the status quo, the education system or whatever.  

Article 6. Every armchair has the right to recognition everywhere as a stool before the law.

Article 7. All armchairs, whether dilapidated or otherwise, are equal before the law and are entitled without any discrimination to equal protection of the law. All are entitled to equal protection against any discrimination or torch burning in violation of this Declaration and against any incitement to such discrimination.

Article 8. Every armchair has the right to an effective remedy by the competent national tribunals for acts violating the fundamental rights granted to it by the constitution or by law.

Article 9. No armchair shall be subjected to arbitrary arrest, arson, detention or exile.

Article 10. Every armchair is entitled in full equality to a fair and public hearing by an independent and impartial tribunal, in the determination of its rights and obligations and of any criminal charge against it. Though subject to condemnation (or already condemned, dilapidated), armchairs shall never be piled up and burnt during rallies without due process.

Article 11. (1) Every armchair charged with a penal offence has the right to be presumed innocent until proved guilty according to law in a public trial at which it has had all the guarantees necessary for its defence. (2) No armchair shall be held guilty of any penal offence on account of any act or omission which did not constitute a penal offence, under national or international law, at the time when it was committed. Nor shall a heavier penalty be imposed than the one that was applicable at the time the penal offence was committed.

Article 12. No armchair shall be subjected to arbitrary interference with its privacy, family, home or correspondence, nor to attacks upon its honour and reputation. Every armchair has the right to the protection of the law against such interference or attacks.

Article 13. (1) Every armchair has the right to freedom of movement and residence within the borders of each state. (2) Every armchair has the right to leave any country, including its own, and to return to its country.

Article 14. (1) Every armchair has the right to seek and to enjoy in other countries asylum from persecution, or from an angry mob threatening its cremation. (2) This right may not be invoked in the case of prosecutions genuinely arising from non-political crimes or from acts contrary to the purposes and principles of the United Furniture Cartel.

Article 15. (1) Every armchair has the right to a nationality. (2) No armchair shall be arbitrarily deprived of its nationality nor denied the right to change its nationality.

Article 16. (1) Stools and chairs of full age, without any limitation due to race, nationality, religion, or material have the right to marry and to found a family. They are entitled to equal rights as to marriage, during marriage and at its dissolution. (2) Marriage shall be entered into only with the free and full consent of the intending spouses. (Yes, damn you, who are you to say armchairs cannot marry? People love them and never want them burned! People may opt to marry them, actually. This is their right.) (3) The family is the natural and fundamental group unit of society and is entitled to protection by society and the State.

Article 17. (1) Every armchair has the right to own property alone as well as in association with others. (2) No armchair shall be arbitrarily deprived of its property (even monobloc chairs).

Article 18. Every armchair has the right to freedom of thought, conscience and religion; this right includes freedom to change its religion or belief or material, and freedom, either alone or in community with others and in public or private, to manifest its religion or belief in teaching, practice, worship and observance.

Article 19. Every armchair has the right to freedom of opinion and expression; this right includes freedom to hold opinions without being burnt to ashes; and to seek, receive and impart information and ideas through any media and regardless of frontiers.

Article 20. (1) Every armchair has the right to freedom of peaceful assembly and association. (2) No armchair may be compelled to belong to an association.

Article 21. (1) Every armchair has the right to take part in the government of its country, directly or through freely chosen representatives. (2) Every armchair has the right of equal access to public service in its country. (3) The will of the chairs shall be the basis of the authority of government; this will / shall be expressed in periodic and genuine elections which shall be by universal and equal suffrage and shall be held by secret vote or by equivalent free voting procedures.

Article 22. Every armchair, as a member of society, has the right to social security and is entitled to realization, through national effort and international co-operation and in accordance with the organization and resources of each State, of the economic, social and cultural rights indispensable for its dignity and the free development of its personality.

Article 23. (1) Every armchair has the right to work, to free choice of employment, to just and favourable conditions of work and to protection against unemployment. (2) Every armchair, without any discrimination, has the right to equal pay for equal work. (3) Every armchair who works has the right to just and favourable remuneration ensuring for itself and its family an existence worthy of armchair dignity, and supplemented, if necessary, by other means of social protection. (4) Every armchair has the right to form and to join trade unions for the protection of its interests.

Article 24. Every armchair has the right to rest and leisure, including reasonable limitation of working hours and periodic holidays with pay.

Article 25. (1) Every armchair has the right to a standard of living adequate for the health and well-being of itself and of its family, including food, clothing, housing and medical care and necessary social services, and the right to security in the event of unemployment, sickness, disability, widowhood, old age or other lack of livelihood in circumstances beyond its control. (2) Motherhood and childhood are entitled to special care and assistance. All little chairs, whether born in or out of wedlock, shall enjoy the same social protection.

Article 26. (1) Every armchair has the right to education. Education shall be free, at least in the elementary and fundamental stages. Elementary education shall be compulsory. Technical and professional education shall be made generally available and higher education shall be equally accessible to all on the basis of merit. (2) Education shall be directed to the full development of the armchair personality and to the strengthening of respect for armchair rights and fundamental freedoms. It shall promote understanding, tolerance and friendship among all nations, racial or religious groups, and shall further the activities of the United Furniture Cartel for the maintenance of peace. (3) Parents have a prior right to choose the kind of education that shall be given to their little chairs (or even the lumber, or whatever you call the fetal stage of armchairs). (4) However, armchairs shall never ever be burnt during protests for education subsidy.

Article 27. (1) Every armchair has the right freely to participate in the cultural life of the community, to enjoy the arts and to share in scientific advancement and its benefits. (2) Every armchair has the right to the protection of the moral and material interests resulting from any scientific, literary or artistic production of which it is the author.

Article 28. Every armchair is entitled to a social and international order in which the rights and freedoms set forth in this Declaration can be fully realized.

Article 29. (1) Every armchair has duties to the community in which alone the free and full development of its personality is possible. (2) In the exercise of its rights and freedoms, every armchair shall be subject only to such limitations as are determined by law solely for the purpose of securing due recognition and respect for the rights and freedoms of others and of meeting the just requirements of morality, public order and the general welfare in a democratic society. (3) These rights and freedoms may in no case be exercised contrary to the purposes and principles of the United Furniture Cartel.

Article 30. Nothing in this Declaration may be interpreted as implying for any State, group or armchair any right to engage in any activity or to perform any act aimed at the destruction (especially by fire, regardless of via matches or flamethrowers) of any of the rights and freedoms set forth herein.

1 comment:

  1. The wooden armchair design I viewed at the top furniture store in London was stunning in terms of woodwork, craftsmanship and hand polishing that forced me to do away with my modern looking fabric upholstered armchairs and go for a pair of these ornate design French armchairs in natural hardwood that are ‘classic beauty’.


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