Sunday, July 10, 2011

Pandora's Boxes [v]: Palpakran

It has almost been half a decade and this motherfucker and the mother that he fucks with are still inhaling oxygen and exhaling intestinal gases [news!]. Here is an overview of the motherfucker's profile. Pardon the illustration. Twas 2006 and I was young and-- Here's the profile!


Jovi Palpakran, Jr. (born Kahapon [trans. "Yesterday"]) is a Kingkongressman representing totally marginalized and oppressed and maltreated and violated and powerless and discriminated army personnel via the Bantay-Salakay ("Dog-Assault") party-list group in the 14th Kingkongress. He will be called to active duty in the Armed Forces of the President in the future, of course. Notice the "will be" in the main verb? Get used to it. You may go to the future because there is a recent discovery that time zones are places. I have included such information for the sake of verisimilitude. Keep in mind that Palpakran was born yesterday. Anyway--


as a lieutenant, he will retire like other lieutenants. He will be a tired general, who will be a prominent figure in the campaign against communist insurgents, like you guise. He will be the commander of the Humanitarians in Wars, which is why vegetarians eat vegetables and he is humanitarian. He will fuck with marry a lot of wo/men while in service but he will only have three children with a veterinary dentist. Two of his children will be the dogs, Cloud Meatballs and Bullet Dancer.

Palpakran earned a pedigree in zoo business administration from the University of the Beastiary yesterday after his birth. He will later earn a master's pedigree in managing canines from the Philippine Jesus Universe College on friday, and a master's pedigree in national security guardianship and administration from the National Defensive in Denial College next thursday. This is the reason why he has the semblance of a dog and a chimp. There are rumours that he is a bastard son procreated by two drunk species who, after a horny sensation, felt the need to--

Before he retires, Palpakran will be assigned in Idoru (by William Gibson) and Ramble On (by Led Zeppelin) as dominatrix of the 204th Brigade. He will later be the pedophile harem master of the 8th Infant Storm Troopers Division with a lot of young soldier boys. To summarize all his future greatness in his future pursuit of annihilating the communist insurgency, I would like to dare say and predict that he will triumph. There will be no public clamour for social change anymore. Poverty will be solved. Unemployment will be no more. No one will ever die because of Palpakran's noble efforts. Viva fascism.

Human rights issues? The Butcher? What butcher? What human rights issues? Palpakran will never be accused by organizations of having a role in alleged extrajudicial abductions and killings of government critics during his would-be military service. He will personally deny (of course, he is innocent, motherfuckers!) any link to any such killings, and will be cleared of rights abuses by the military through an internal, informal investigation in which no records were kept.

A probe by the Commission on Human Rights (excluding Lefts, of course) will never find that there is a direct evidence indicating that Palpakran will be the mastermind, and there will never be circumstantial evidence linking some members of the military, to the killings. Double negatives are not said to be unconfusing. The Melo Report will never state that, "there is certainly evidence pointing the finger of suspicion at some elements and personalities in the armed forces, in particular General Palpakran, as responsible for an undetermined number of killings, by allowing, tolerating, and even encouraging the killings."

He will be awarded with the following medals so, there is no way that he will violate human rights: Distinguished Balls Massage Service Stars, Gold Croissant with Human Fluid Jam Medal, Gawad sa Kaunlaran Kahit Kapapanganak Lang Kahapon Medal (KAKALAKA or "Progress Despite Being Born Yesterday" Medal), Bronze Croissant with Human Fluid Jam Medals, Wounded Jesus of the Universe Personnel Medals, Militar Medals and Warcraft Campaign Medals.

Oh, this is bullshit by the way. Distorted data from here.

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