Tuesday, July 5, 2011

CarcositeNewsNet: Automobiles? In Carcosa?

The xanthous horror monarch actually had a "car" that he has acquired and now lost?! How can that be? This world is sick in the mind! And Bishops with SUVs? What are SUVs? Shub-niggurath Ulthar-cats Volkswagen? Oh, just in, breaking news! King Inang Yellow's was a Porschariot. The fuck. Anyway, sorry for the hysteria. And the mortal sin of a delay. Previous Archbishop Grouch news here. On with the news.

King's Porschariot [updated 06JULY2011]

Upon the relief of a Porschariot from the closet tentacly appendages of His Majesty, King Inang Yellow gets a handjobshake from Archbishop Oscar Grouch, one of his most vocal critics and former overlord of the Carcosa Bi Chambers of the Philippines (or is it Catholic Boy Craftlove of the Philippines? As of press time, the meaning of the acronym CBCP remains unconfirmed).

Heard over a leaked un-aired-as-of-yet telepathic phone sex interview which was not really that private, Grouch, wearing a school girl's uniform, cheered the Yellow King's letting go of his "third-handjob" Porschariot 911 Speed of Light Psychic Teleporter Into Other Cosmicism.

"It is a holy thing to do to relieve himself of the burden and further punishment that the Old Ones might inflict upon him," Grouch said. He added that acquiring anything, even within the reach of your powers, may not necessarily be "righteous" since "Kings are representations of particular Great Ones who rule particular universes, so Kings shall live lives as simple as those they represent."

"It is, like, a holy thing to be consumerist and in the process amass possessions if Carcosa were a nation loyal to the Great Old Ones to the point that we are given the chance to dominate and fuck with other galaxies," Grouch added. "If that were the case, having many possessions is justifiable since most citizens have an equal share of resources looted or snatched from denizens of weaker cosmic systems."

The marionette of the monarchy earlier said that the Porschariot was acquired through alchemical transmutation of The King's own possessions, magick, power, tatters and favor from the Old and the Deep Ones. The Yellow King's Bayerische Miskatonik Werke (BMW) Steed was sacrificed in the process of acquiring the controversial porschariot.

Bishops' SUVs [updated 07JULY2011]

Meanwhile, Grouch criticized the SUV bishops as "pussies having no delicadeza." In defense, the SUV bishops of CBCP said, in unison, "By the will of the great Old Ones, we shall return the SUVs and attempt to retract the alchemical calculations, transmutations and exchanges with the PCSO (Poor Cannibals Sweepstakes Office)."

"No mortal sin here, just mere fuckery of jerking off in a public place," Grouch added. The PCSO minister fingered three Carcosa bishops who received luxury rides--one even had a Pegasus and a Chimera chariot. During his birthday, one whining pussy so-called Buto Bishop Anak ng Dios, asked for the 'ride' from former Carcosa Matriarch of the Heavens Arroyo (we all know Arroyo, right?).

Grouch furthered that it is "fucking bullshit" for Arroyo to give "free rides" to bishops of various Cosmic Ones without the ex-matriarch expecting any handjobsshakes from the holy shepherds in return.

In another encounter, Grouch said that the Royal Cosmic Outer Church of the Meanings of Existence may punish the wretched SUV bishops for eternity and the Confederation of Bishops may as well call for the resignation of the jerk offs who broke their vow to serve the interests of the cannibals.

Oh, this is bullshit, btw. Distorted data from here and here.

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